Shameful Silence

Introduction xi Chapter 1: The Hidden Epidemic 1 A Brief History of Violence (and Indifference) 4 What We Talk About When We Talk About Violence 8 What Is Domestic Violence? 10 Emotional and Psychological Abuse 10 Other Types of Domestic Abuse 13 Financial and Economic Abuse 14 Administrative Abuse 16 False Allegations 17 Parental Alienation 18 Stalking 19 Why Men Stay Silent 20 Fear and Stigma 21 Denial of Victimhood 23 Distrust of Broken Systems 25 Reframing the Narrative 27 Unlearning False Narratives 29 Chapter 2: Recognizing the Signs of Domestic Violence Against Men 31 Tristan 32 Michael 40 Chapter 3: Why Do Men Stay? 49 Failure to Recognize the Abuse as Abuse 50 Vulnerability Biting: Eroding Self-Esteem 52 Learned Helplessness 53 Lack of Resources and Safe Spaces 56 The Myth of Masculinity 58 The Myth of the Male Protector 58 Community Pressure 59 False Allegations 61 Fear of Losing Their Children 64 Fear of Deportation 67 Trauma Bond 71 Chapter 4: Shame: The Myths of Masculinity and Why Our Culture Hides Violence Against Men 75 Shame and Guilt: What's the Difference? 78 How Shame Impacts Men 81 Shame Silences Men 82 Shame Forces Men to Uphold a Façade 83 The Façade for the LGBTQ+ Community 84 The Façades of Morality and Masculinity 85 The ""Normal"" Façade 86 How Shame Protects the Perpetrator 87 How Partners Leverage Shame 88 How Shame and Masculinity Are Linked 90 ""Man Up"" 91 Are We Biased Against Men or Masculinity? Biological Sex Versus Gender Expression 94 Myths of Masculinity and What It Means to Be a Man 95 Myth 1: Men Can't Be Victims 96 Myth 2: A Real Man Can Defend Himself 97 Myth 3: Emotional Abuse Isn't Really Abuse 99 Myth 4: Only the Weak Get Abused 101 Myth 5: It's Less Harmful When a Woman Is the Perpetrator 103 Myth 6: Men Always Want Sex 104 Myth 7: If He Stays, He's Partly to Blame 107 Redefining Masculinity 109 How Should We Define a Man? 109 Chapter 5: Obstacles to Reporting/Reframing Violence 111 The Biases in Screening for IPV 112 Gender Discrimination in Funding 119 The Violence Against Women Act: Did It Break Barriers or Build Walls? 125 The Feminists' Role 131 How Can We Reframe? 137 Step 1: Rewrite the Narrative 137 Step 2: Promote Resources 139 Step 3: Continue Educating 140 Chapter 6: A Broken System 143 Mandatory Arrest Laws: What Are They? Where Did They Come From? 147 The Story of Tracy Thurman 150 How Police Fail Men 156 Police Are More Likely to Blame Men 159 Police Question Men's Credibility 160 Police Fail to Recognize Emotional Abuse 161 Police Fall for False Allegations 163 How Are Police Officers Trained? 166 Bias in the Criminal Justice System 169 How Courts Fail Men 175 Men Are Treated More Severely 175 How to Prove Emotional Abuse 176 Courts Are Biased Against Fathers 177 What Does Progress Look Like? 178 We Need to Acknowledge Male Victims 178 We Need More Training for Cops 179 We Need More Resources for Male Victims 179 We Need More Research 180 We Must Acknowledge That Women Can Be Perpetrators of Violence, Too 181 Courts and Police Must Find Ways to Recognize Emotional Abuse 182 Chapter 7: Breaking the Silence, Beginning to Heal 183 The Story of Bernie Fitte 184 How Do Men Heal? 186 Let Go of Unrealistic Hope 187 Stop Trying to ""Fix"" Them 188 Don't Just Set Boundaries, Enforce Them 189 Go No Contact 190 Stop Hiding 192 Find Support 192 Try to Love Again ... But Be Patient 193 Recognize Red Flags 194 Understand That Healing Is a Journey 196 Who Is Advocating for Men? 196 The ManKind Initiative (United Kingdom) 197 Canadian Centre for Men and Families 199 Breaking the Silence, Beginning to Heal 199 Epilogue: What Would It Take to Recast the Narrative? 201 It Begins with Education 202 The Media Must Wake Up 203 Politicians Must Speak Up 204 Corporations Must Step Up 204 Men Must Tell Their Stories 205 Alexandra's Resources for Male Victims of Domestic Violence (and Their Allies) 207 Alexandra's Reading List 212