Now That I'm Still Here

A Memoir of Ruin and Resurrection

Christopher Carazas

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Hardback

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English

Sentinel House Press
01 September 2025

Memoirs; Violence in society; Domestic violence; Coping with personal problems; Self-help & personal development

Some resurrections aren't miracles. They're choices made in the dark-when your lungs beg for surrender, and you teach them to keep breathing.

When Chris Carazas's marriage collapsed under the crushing weight of psychological abuse, the fallout was more than legal papers and a change of address. It was erasure. The life he had built, the identity he thought was unshakable, the version of himself he had fought to hold together-all gone in the space of a single, brutal season.

In the silence that followed, there were two suicide attempts. An apartment that remembered too much. The faint hum of appliances in the night, reminding him he was still here when he didn't want to be. And then, the diagnosis: autism, late in life, arriving like both a revelation and a reckoning. It was a name for the patterns he'd hidden, the masks he'd worn, the meltdowns punished and misunderstood since childhood. But naming it didn't undo decades of damage-it exposed it.

Now That I'm Still Here is the record of what happens when survival is not a clean break into light, but a crawl through shadows you thought you'd left behind. Carazas draws a map in blood and breath-leading the reader through the locked doors of a psychiatric ward where strangers become unlikely lifelines; into the hallways of an intensive outpatient program where healing comes in uneven steps; and back to mornings where the act of pouring coffee is as sacred as any prayer.

At the center of this journey is Shadow, his German Shepherd-constant, watchful, and unyielding. Shadow is not a pet in these pages but a sentinel, a guardian who stood between his owner and the tide more than once. Around them, a handful of people form a fragile constellation of rescue: a sister who drove hours without hesitation, a friend whose laughter cracked the silence open, a few rare souls who stayed when it would have been easier to leave.

Carazas writes with the lyricism of a poet and the precision of a survivor cataloguing evidence. His prose burns hot and then drops to a whisper. Memory arrives in fragments: the slam of a door, the burn of winter air, the echo of words meant to wound. Symbols repeat and return-the white room where he was taken in, the garage light in the moment before collapse, the tide that tempts him to vanish, the daffodils blooming in defiance of frost.

This memoir refuses to soften the truth. It doesn't rush to the part where the pain is over. Instead, it walks you through the raw aftermath-past the places where he almost didn't make it-until the breath returns. Not as a miracle, but as a relic dug from ash, still warm from the fire.

For readers of Joan Didion, Matt Haig, and Cheryl Strayed, Now That I'm Still Here is a work of survival, identity, and defiance. It's a reminder that the decision to live is rarely made once-it's made over and over, in the smallest of moments, in the quietest of rooms. It's not just a story. It's a testament. And it will stay with you long after the last page is turned.

By: Christopher Carazas
Imprint: Sentinel House Press
Dimensions: Height: 216mm, Width: 140mm, Spine: 16mm
Weight: 372g
ISBN: 9798218750640
Pages: 202
Publication Date: 01 September 2025
Audience: General/trade , ELT Advanced
Format: Hardback
Publisher's Status: Active

Chris Carazas is an autistic author, social impact strategist, and world traveler whose career in international development has taken him to the streets of Bamako, the markets of Port-au-Prince, and the rice fields of Bangladesh. His debut memoir, Now That I'm Still Here: A Memoir of Ruin and Resurrection, is a raw and lyrical account of surviving psychological abuse, navigating the aftermath of loss, and reclaiming identity in the quiet spaces after devastation. Weaving mythic imagery with unflinching honesty, Carazas invites readers into a story that is as much about heartbreak as it is about the sacred defiance of staying alive. He writes regularly on Substack, where he explores resilience, identity, and the unspoken corners of human experience. Carazas lives in Plymouth, Massachusetts, with his German Shepherd, Shadow-his steadfast companion through every chapter of ruin and rebirth.

Reviews for Now That I'm Still Here: A Memoir of Ruin and Resurrection

""Every page feels like it's been pulled, still warm, from the wreckage of a life. Carazas writes with the precision of a poet and the bruised honesty of someone who's fought their way back from the edge. I read it in one sitting and then sat in silence, unsure whether to cry or exhale."" - Marina Holt ""This isn't just a memoir. It's a confession, a survival manual, and a love letter to the broken parts of ourselves we pretend not to see. I found pieces of my own story in his, and it undid me."" - Devon Clarke ""Carazas crafts a narrative that is both a deeply personal memoir and a broader meditation on resilience, identity, and the human condition. It will be studied in literature and trauma courses for years to come."" - Dr. Elaine Porter ""Beautiful. Brutal. Necessary."" - Levi James ""Reading this felt like sitting across from a friend who's finally telling you the truth. There's pain, yes, but also a tenderness that made me want to live a little softer."" - Maya Fontaine ""Carazas has mastered the rare art of telling the truth without flinching-and somehow, in the same breath, making you laugh in the ruins."" - Nick Foster ""There were sentences in this book I had to close my eyes after reading. Not because they were too much-but because they were exactly enough."" - Hannah Boyd ""Sacred in its honesty. Redemptive in its breath. This is scripture for anyone who has ever wanted to lay down and not get up."" - Rev. Thomas Ellery ""I don't usually cry when I read, but I had to put this down more than once just to breathe. Absolutely unforgettable."" - Verified Reader ""There were moments I laughed out loud and moments I had to close my eyes because the truth hit too hard."" - Verified Reader ""I read the last line three times before I could move. I didn't want to leave."" - Verified Reader ""This book feels like sitting across from a friend who finally tells you everything."" - Verified Reader